Losing my daughter was one of the most painful experiences

Losing my daughter was one of the most painful experiences I have ever felt. It’s been 4 months now since she was born sleeping. I remember how excited I was to find out I was having a daughter, after having 2 sons it has always been my dream to have a girl. I couldn’t contain myself in buying pink clothes and bows and just thinking of how exciting it will be when she gets here but I never thought she would go to heaven before me. I was almost 25 weeks along when I lost her. It came out of no where, all her scans were great, bloodwork was great, even anatomy scan was great. That was the last time I would see her alive, the tech and doctors were saying how active and good she looked I was feeling so relieved and so grateful she was doing so well, I previously had an early miscarriage so it always was a fear in the back of my mind. My next appointment we couldn’t find her heartbeat on the Doppler, they took me to ultrasound and when I looked at the ultrasound techs face I could tell there was something she did not want to tell me, my daughter had passed away. My entire world stopped in the office, I did not even know what to say I was so stunned I thought I was in a dream. The doctor came in with a sympathetic and sad look I could tell he really was upset too that it has happened. He scheduled me an induction and that night we went in and delivered her. In that moment I seen her I remember how mad and upset I was at God. Why was my baby the one not alive in the labor and delivery ward? Why couldn’t he have given me a miracle? Why did heaven need my daughter more than me? I still to this day don’t understand but I am leading on the Lords understanding and not my own. I remember holding her, studying her face trying to make a memory last a lifetime. I never in a million years would think I would hand my baby over to a funeral, watching them walk away with her was a type of pain I would never wish on anyone, it truly is an experience where you can’t imagine that ever happening or what it feels like until it happens to you. Now here I somehow am 4 months later still missing and grieving her while the world has moved on. Her little heart urn sits in the nursery we were preparing for her. She is truly a huge part of me I will forever tell her story and I know she is always with me. I actually found out I am pregnant again a few days ago and I am so scared but I am trusting God and I know she is watching over her little brother or sister. Thank you for reading my daughters story.