I was 49 years old, married with adult children, and pregnant by someone else.

I was 49 years old, married with adult children, and pregnant by someone else. It was not rape, it was consensual. He too was older, married with adult children. This was not planned and even being older, we were both scared. When I found out I was pregnant (I had to go through fertility treatments to conceive my older children), I was scared, excited, shocked....all the emotions. I wasn't sure if I should tell him or carry on alone, knowing I would have to do this on my own either way. I did finally tell him and the shock for him was just as bad but his words cut me to my core. He asked how we could "fix" this and not upset his world (suggesting abortion), although he stated if I chose to not follow through with that, he would send me money to "help" out with the child. I scheduled the abortion, dealt with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions alone and intended to go to the clinic alone as well until he decided to go with. I had been bleeding off and on the weekend prior to the appointment, but kept the appointment in case I needed it, all the while changing my mine and deciding I couldn't go through with terminating. We arrived at the clinic (begin my first ever panic attack), I walked back alone and listed to the nurse read information to me and was then ushered to an exam room for an ultrasound. I was asked if I would prefer the sound on or off....as I already knew I'd changed my mind, I would prefer sound on so I could hear the heartbeat (I was about 9 weeks along). That's when I found out I had indeed miscarried. I was sad, scared, alone, relieved. Fast forward a little......the baby's father informed me that his son and girlfriend were expecting very near our baby's due date. He was excited, and I could feel the sense of want. The baby arrived and then I could see, hear and feel the love he had and I was so upset that he feels all of that for that baby but didn't feel it for ours. It hurt, still does. This little one is now 2 and the pride, love and joy he feels for this little one still causes me great pain. I'm not sure how to get past that. I'm hopeful that one day I'll be able to get past this and just see the child for who she is and not feel a little hurt and resentment in the process.