I had what’s called an ectopic pregnancy.

I had what’s called an ectopic pregnancy. I thought originally I had just ovulated early and ended up finding out early in my cycle that I was pregnant. We were so anxious and excited. We called and scheduled a first doctors appointment and began prepping for a 5k and finishing up my yoga teacher training. About 2 weeks later as I was getting ready to go for a run I felt incredibly nauseous. I felt glued to the floor of the bathroom. Sweaty and in pain. My husband and I initially thought it was morning sickness and that it would pass, but when I couldn’t get up and I couldn’t use my phone to dial my doctor I asked him to call 911. I remember crying saying I didn’t want to die. When the ambulance came they had me sit up and I couldn’t support my own body weight. While sitting I just remember losing my ability to see and people saying that I had a seizure. There were so many people touching me and being close to me I felt so scared and unsure of what was happening. The floor was so dirty because of our mud boots and I was so upset about the floor not being mopped. The EMTs were able to stabilize my blood pressure and get me to hospital. While laying down I felt ok. At the hospital everyone initially treated me like nothing was wrong. They noted that I should be able to leave in a few hours. But my blood pressure kept dropping and when they brought in a sonogram all they could see was blood in my abdomen. The doctor leaned over to me and told me that I was losing blood, but not to worry they would be able to get it replaced quickly. I was wheeled off to surgery where they told me they were going to look to see what was going on. On my way in I signed a form saying that I was ok with them removing my fallopian tube. I remember jokingly asking them to not take my fallopian tube if possible and the nurses all looked at me gravely. After surgery I had like three million questions to the nurse. I was so disoriented. I was a ghost for the three days or so. Not hungry, not sleeping, barely able to move, just sobbing at every thing. It felt so challenging to do the simplest tasks. I sobbed finding out I would be out of work for at least two weeks. Being at home with my thoughts felt too immense. I oscillated between numb, fine and sad multiple times a day. I had nightmares of me on the bathroom floor. After a week I started feeling more alive. My fiddle leaf fig died one day and I just sobbed. I felt so guilty. Some days I feel so far from fine, other days feel ok. I feel fragile and delicate. I used to be resilient, but it feels that everything impacts me deeply right now. I sometimes wish I could go back in time. I know it’ll be ok in the future, but the loss is so raw and real right now. My family has been amazing and supportive and we’re all grieving together, I feel incredibly grateful that my support system exists. I also grieve the fact that I needed to rely on them at all for this.