There was no heartbeat. I was relieved.

6 months after my abortion, I began dating my husband. I swore I would keep my abortion a secret so he never knew. We dated for 3 years and then got married. A little over a year later, I was pregnant. We were happy but it really wasn't the best time. Our son was born and we were truly happy. But when I found out 6 months later I was pregnant again, I was distraught again. How could we do this so soon. We could not afford another baby so soon. So, when I went to the OB for my first check up, there was no heartbeat. I was relieved. I went through multiple blood tests to check HCG and the doctor determined the pregnancy was not viable. Again, I was so relieved. The doctor asked how I wanted to proceed, naturally or a procedure. I chose a procedure since I was teaching and couldn't take a chance on the natural process happening while standing in front of a class. My doctor schedule the procedure at a local Catholic hospital. While in my room waiting, the nurse came in to check on my and read my chart. She then patted my hands and said, "Oh Dear." I lost it. I started to sob uncontrollably. I couldn't understand why because I was actually happy to not be pregnant. I shook it off, however, because I didn't want to reveal I had had an abortion. I kept the secret, and therefore never grieved, for another 15 years. Once I received abortion healing I was finally able to grieve not only the child who's life I chose to end but also the baby I lost through miscarriage.