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Hello All, My name is....

Hello All, My name is.... My story is a bit different from a miscarriage story. There are no places to write a story like mine. Because I might be the only one. I am now 43 years old. This happened when I was 15 and 16 years old. I'll start at 15, first time in love. So very in love with my 16 year old boyfriend. He was the real deal. We stayed together for 5 years. We seperated when I was 20, as life does.. He was my first sexual experience. My first love. I had had extreme difficulties with my menstruations. I started menstruating at 12 years old. The pain, the irrigularities or constant menstruations were deemed normal. As soon as my menstruations started, I told my mom, who had already explained in detail, that this was coming, to let her know. I did. In the years to come though, even If I couldn't hide the pain, I did everything i could to hide the symptoms of what was to get worse. So much worse. Fast forward to 15 years old. One day I felt a searing pain in my groin area. A flood of material that is inexplicable in it's alieness ... Terrified, and already with my boyfriend, I say nothing to anyone. I feel a huge amount of fear and shame. I think I must have done something so wrong for this to happen. I recognize that this is beyond a yeast infection, or a sexually contracted infection. I can't bring myself to approach the subject to anyone, until one day, in school, I start leaking on my seat, through my pants, through my pad, this horrific liquid. I have to run out and call my parents to come get me. Horrified. That's when they found out about my problem. Fast forwarding a bit, late in my 15 years, refusing to go see a doctor because i'm so terrified at this ''thing'' that is happening to me. I get a strong feeling that I am pregnant. Even though I firmly beleived that whatever was coming out of me and happening to me, must make me ''sterile'', I get a feeling. I go to get a pregnancy test. It is positive. Get another. It is positive. In the parking lot of a grocery store, I tell my mother. I'm pregnant. The look of horror shock and fear in her face, makes me say in the car : It's done mom. It's not your fault. I'm just telling you today, I just found out today. Fast forward a bit, I get taken to my first gynocological exam, (I'm so terrified because they're gonna find out about my issues) As soon as they insert the speculum, they take it out. ... I apologize to them as they leave the room. I still have no Idea what's wrong with me, and i'm so overcome with embarassement. I'm 16 at this point. They give me an appointment for an ultrasound for the next day at the hospital. 1: I am pregnant over 3 1/2 to 4 months. 2: I have a congenital malformation called Uterus Dydelphys. 2 independant uteruses, each with their own fallopian tubes, each with an ovary. ... And it tore, It ripped open slightly from the pressure, To then evacuate the .... menstrual fluid It had been keeping inside me, since i was 12. I went from the hospital ultrasound department to the surgical department. This is when I started stopping what was going on. I want to know everything about my pregnancy. Exactly how far along the baby is, what is formed now with the fetus. What the fuck is going to happen?? I am now pretty far along at this point. This is the beginning of all that is, for me personnally, horrific. The surgical team explains to me ( but not aimed to me, but mostly to my parents ) that this operation needs to happen to save my life, sepsis is a real concern at this point with the amount of infection contained within my body. ...to evacuate all the infectuous ''debris'' and do a D & C on both Uteruses. Clear everything out. Which included my pregnancy, which they assured me would FAIL at any given moment 100% You will ultimatly miscarry. Not a doubt. With this information, I come to the conclusion that this is the only path. I agree to the surgery. This is where everything get seriously fucked up.. They do the surgery, I come out of anaesthesia, go back to my hospital room and I am sent for an ultrasound to verifiy everything went well. The technician in the ultrasound room has no clue why I am there. She is just to perform an ultrasound on me and send the results. She does not know I should be clear of pregnancy. She starts her ultrasound and says to me: HERE'S YOUR BABY... here's the spine, you see that? There's the heartbeat! Everything looks great. Would you like to know the sex? I was by now far enough along in my pregnancy, that the sex of the baby was distinguishable. So  stunned was I, in this moment, I said yes. It was a boy. I came out of that ultrasound room in such a furious enraged confused hopefull miraculous state. The doctor came in, IN A PANIC. I was brought back to my hospital room, looking my parents in the eye, I said : '' No one, not A one, will fucking touch me and my baby, am I clear? Don't   come near me. Not my parents, Not a doctor, Don't touch me. The tech told me my baby is perfectly healthy. Don't fucking come near me anyone!!!!!! I was not to be touched. I was clear. I WAS CLEAR. A nurse came in to give me pain meds I didn't ask for. I was given a shot that made me almost incoherent. I know I saw my parents in discussion with doctors outside my hospital room. I was then told, we D&C'd only one uterus. We don't know how this happened, I remember. Then the doctors and my parents (who were convinced of this) told me that they PARTIALLY ABORTED MY BABY. Limbs are probably missing...Only alive by a thread. I would have a severely handicapped child if it were even to make it to term..legs might be pulled off........... Because I was still a minor, my parents gave consent to do an abortion again. I had been awake from the last surgery about 2 hours. I said no. I did not give my consent. I was given another shot in the arm and wheeled off to surgery. The second time was effective. I had nothing left in my uterus. My baby boy was gone. Endometriosis installed itself in my uteruses and spread all around at an early stage in my life. Late teens and beyond. It was not taken serioursly throughout my adulthood. I became unable to carry children in my early 20's. When I did get pregnant, I would only know about it because I would misscarry. I have lost 4 pregnancies that I know of. Plus my baby boy. My diagnosis of widespread endometriosis has only come recently. It affects my urinary and bowel tracks now. Even If I've asked for help in the last 20 years about my inability to get or keep a pregnancy, I have never, ever, not once, been offered help. My time is now over. I'm 43 years old. I will never have, like I've dreamt to have since I was 9 years old, a child. And that little boy who was ripped out of me without my consent, is my biggest regret. He was perfectly fine. Had all his limbs and his heart was beating just like it should. He was taken from me.

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